Social Lone Wolf

Everyone has to learn this game; we play it till we've turned to dust.

Mouth screaming, nose streaming we're dragged kicking and screaming into the light, where comfort and warmth gives way to smell, sound and sight.

You know, at one point in time I thought that "life" comes naturally to most people. It's not something that many people have to learn; to practice, practice, practice. It's something that suddenly dawns on you (possibly along with the onset of impromptu adolescent boners and copious amounts of acne); and then you sail along with ease - it just comes so "naturally", damnit!

Utter. Bollucks. You're just as scared, as faltering, as unnerved as I am. Yes, I do mean you. You spineless, yellow-bellied antisocialite.

Oh, don't get me wrong. You know the beat, the music, the rhythm of sociability. You can feel string crescendos swelling beneath brass fanfares with an all-encompassing drum keeping the situation under control. We've all seen the dance being done - watching through opera glasses as the artists, the professionals show us how it's done. Sooo simple, as well; a child could pull this off.

It's just that you have two left feet; and even if you're dancing in a group you feel like a complete and utter tit. They're looking at you, disdainfully. Judging you, just like you, in their eyes, are judging them. Look at you; a group of self concious, mentally anorexic dogs - so pavlovian in nature, so easy to please and easy to hurt.

I haven't given up this game yet - but I'm taking time to watch from the sidelines. The back-seat driver, yelling at the console controller. Ticking over, performing when, but no more than necessary. It's not that I can't play, or lack in skill - I'm choosing to bide my time till the rest of you burn out. A social lone wolf.

14 Definitions

I typed my name into Urbandictionary, for good or ill. The following is a countdown of definitions, from least applicable to most, as voted by the internet. It's somewhat eye-opening how accurate these are.

14. A vagina with large, unattractive labia.
Her cunt looked like a fresh Reuben.

13. The biggest liar or rumor spreader that the world has ever seen. AVOID OR DIE!!
"God, I wish you would stop being such a Reuben, Reuben"

12. Poster rotating skum
"Jeromes posters have been rotated, i bet it was a Reuben!"

11. A guy who has anal sex with people called Angelo.
"Oh my god, did you hear, Reuben had anal sex with Angelo!"

10. An erect inverted Mike Fiday handstands while another male straddles his taint, while inserting and thrusting their erected members into each designated sphincter; this continues until the act of thrusting results in complete and utter satisfaction... oscillating meat.
"Hey, where is Fiday? I need my daily Reuben!"; "My taint is bleeding from this raw passionate reuben!"

9. It's a sandwich with cornedbeef ( a type of meat) , sauerkraut and Russian dressing
dude1: "man, I'm starving"
dude2: "yeah man, could really eat a massive reuben right now"

8. Someone who is confused about the meaning of homosexuality
Reuben says "Its only gay if you push back"

7. A Sexual Position, Where The Female (Or Male Recieving) Does The Splits With Their Face Buried In The Bed, Their Rump Hanging Off, And The Male (Or Male Giver) Pounds It
Dude, Im So Gonna Get Jess In The Reuben Tonight, Shes Like A Gymnast

6. A Reuben is a master of wit at all social gatherings; including, yet not exclusive to birthdays, anniversaries and wakes. Although not considered conventionally attractive a Reuben generally possesses a rugged & deshevelled grace that ensnares young women. He is most mens intellectual superior and loved by all women. Tenacious in all sexual and romantic persuits, a 6. Reuben is an ideal lover. Upon encountering a Reuben it is important to know that his weakness is liquor, breasts and pop music (his strengths lay in devouring all three).
Person A: "That was the best conversation, coffee & sex I've ever had. You wouldn't happen to be called Reuben, would you?"
Person B nods silently.

5. A marijuana cigarette, doobie, joint
"Mate, good to see you, come in. I was just about to wrap up a reuben."
4. 777 guy; the guy that's just so unique and isn't disliked by many people because of his creativity, intelligence, sense of humour, wit, refined good looks and general amazing-ness
"Did you see that dude over by the door???.... Yeah he's a real Reuben,"

3. A deli sandwich made with Rye, Swiss cheese, Pastrami, Sauerkraut, and Russian Dressing. One of the best sandwiches to get at diner or authentic Deli.
Customer: "I'd like the best sandwich you have please"
Waitress: "Oh, then that'd be the Reuben"

2. Usually a guy thats the awesome guy in a party who drinks all the beer in front of everybody while they cheer him on, usually wakes up next to chicks the next morning not remembering anything.
Person1: "Why'd u sleep with my sister last night?"
Person2: "I was being a Reuben"

1. The most irritating person alive, but you somehow feel so unconditionally and irrovacbly in love with him that you can't help but adore him.
A douchebag but you love him, and you just can't help it."I love you reuben you utter prick."

When [x] put his [y] in the [z].

Messy fucking houseparties. You know the ones; the ones which we talk about. "Do you remember that houseparty? The one where [x] put his [y] in the [z], and everyone [######]?" Yeah. That houseparty.

So someone puts a twee, nay, quaint event on Facebook - high tea and cakes, maybe some cucumber sandwiches. Maybe some Pictionary if things really start to heat up. And yet it's all an elaborate cover. It says it's a private event, but everyone and their mother are secretly invited. Someone decided to bring all the booze, ever - and is generous enough to share it with us, distinguished guests. There's even a self-appointed doorman, who'll rummage through your coat pockets to make sure you've got something you don't care enough about; maybe 20 pence, perhaps a passport. He'll be more than happy to relieve you of said troublesome item, at no extra cost.

We go, we drink, we enjoy. Perhaps there's a party piece; a DJ, a bouncy castle, a chocolate fountain. All of these things are destined to get wrecked as the night goes on. A positive smorgasbord of alcohol, drugs, free loving, and those antisocial bastards in the corner who do nothing but eye up the talent and nod their head soullessly to the pounding rhythm of everybody else's enjoyment.

Some of us don't know our limits. We'll keep going, keep drinking; imbibing; osmosing. Why? Because, that's why. Stumbling and staggering through a house that seems to have come apart at the foundations; doors leading off to infinity, each room with at least 2 couples and a guy throwing up in the bin (if he finds it fast enough).

Leaving is always the worst part. Not necessarily because of the fun you've had, but as you start to sober up you realise what sort of a shithole you've been in; not to mention, you can't find your passport anywhere.

Video taken in February 2009. No party-goers were harmed in the making of this short.

Teetering on the internet's event horizon.

So once again, I find myself bolt upright and unable to move. No, I've not taken part in a sadomasochistic orgy (although what I am doing will hopefully pave the way for others), I managed to twinge my back again travelling back from Newcastle on a particularly turbulent train. I'd torn a ligament in my upper back about a month ago whilst unicycling round Edinburgh on a larger amount of coffee and booze than is good for ones health. Several days and nights on copious amounts of Codeine further solidified my position as a dirty stop-out who doesn't do anything; a bed-ridden, unkempt, tatty, cabin-feveréd, timrous beastie.

To that end, I'm making a new start on Project Sextoy (aka OnlineKinkShop.com). Finally managed to get to a design that I'm vaguely happy with; bold, monochromatic, no fuss, no muss. I'm finalising lists of products; admittedly I've not spent much time off the internet (in paid employment or in my own time) but I can honestly say that my research into the adult toy market has been a welcome respite. For example, it's the first time I have ever typed "crystal dildo" into Google to see how many people were looking for one. Turns out it's about 170 per month in the UK; who knew? Google, apparently.

While I'm perfectly happy trawling over Google search stats for market research purposes, it's almost scary how well I can pinpoint the deepest and darkest desires that the internet has to offer the world, and sort them by popularity in specific geographic locations (Bristol gets a bad reputation for dogging, but apparently you get more people doing it in Merseyside. Understandable, I suppose; It's probably a bit colder, but it's a wider geographic area. In any case, have you ever tried giving someone a blowjob in a tractor? There's not much wiggle-room).

I'm rambling; it's been a long day. The site should be up and running fully within a week, although you can go right ahead and buy glossy pink bondage tape if you like. More products to follow...